Angels
by divalicious2
Summary: Dr. Charlotte King wasn't always sure she would be where she is today. There was a day, just one, where she doubted. A day that made her want to quit. Pretty much a one-shot, but for this lil' prolouge.
1. Chapter 1

"_Are you an angel?"_

Charlotte jumped at the voice in the silent room. She glanced around her office. No one but she and the computer were there. And possibly a few spiders. And the voice in her head, apparently.

Charlotte shuddered, sucked in a breath and shook her head.

"I have work to do," she muttered aloud. "Work. To. Do."

She closed her eyes hard, let out a breath and got back to it.

"Must not be sleepin' enough," she concluded to the empty room.


	2. Chapter 2

Five days later, Charlotte has been unable to sleep, and when she does, she wakes up screaming. Which is why she doesn't want to sleep. Plus, she doesn't want to bother Cooper.

After a long day at work, when her defenses are already running low, Cooper decides to corner her, and ask her what's wrong. The things she's been saying in her sleep have started to get to him. They're disturbing.

"So what is it that you wanna know?" She demanded, angry, but Cooper could tell she was ready to tell whatever it was that was going on with her.

"Whatever it is that makes you cry and scream in your sleep the last week. You're crabbier than usual, and jumpy."

"So?"

"Can you just tell me why? Please?"

She glared at him. "It's the date, Cooper."

"What date? What are you talking about?"

"The day a patient of mine died."

He was quiet. Clearly this wasn't a recent patient. And if she was ready to talk about something, his best bet was to stay silent. So he sat down, close to her, but not too close, and waited.

Finally, Charlotte cracked.

"It's the day I nearly quit doctoring." She said.

He blinked. He'd never thought she'd ever questioned her profession.

"My resident took me aside one day, Dr. Warner, she was a hell bitch I kid you not, but every so often she'd crack and you could see she really cared. Anyhow, she took me aside one day and said, "King, you have potential. I've been hearing from the staff that you've got it in you to be another me, and that's saying something. You've got a lot of potential in you, power. You'll make a damn fine doctor if you don't let the crap get to you."

"I'd been fine up till then. Stuff in the ER, rotations, surgery. Fine. Better than fine- but I never got cocky. I worked hard."

Cooper nodded his head, silently agreeing, sure that was exactly what Charlotte King, even a young inexperienced Charlotte King, would do.

"Until a long while later, I was on a ride-along to an accident site by the lake. Way out in the middle of nowhere. We were the closest ones to it. Any other medical assistance would take at least a half hour through traffic. So there we went, and I was the only doctor there, rest was just the driver and some medics. Not that they didn't all work hard that day, I know they saved lives."

"We got to the scene and it was like Armageddon. Bodies everywhere. Some building, some something had exploded, I dunno. After that day it hardly mattered how it happen, just that something did. Something bad happened that day."

Her voice was dry, deep almost without feeling. But Cooper knew that was the farthest thing from true. She just didn't like what she was saying, or what she was about to say.

He shuddered.

"It was a triage situation. Most of the bodies on the ground were already dead. I took it in, I was in shock, then I just told them all to spread out and assess the damage. I started surveying the area, walking around. People bleeding out, people that had no chance of being saved. Some with debris on them, broken bones, internal injuries, crushed skulls."

Cooper swallowed and winced, feeling sick.

"I walked past a man that could be saved, I could save him. He was right there at my feet and I walked past him," she shrugged as if it were lunacy, "just walked right past, kept goin' for no reason." She took a deep breath, and tears formed in her eyes as she spoke the next words, "then in the middle of all the dust, the browns, the blood, and the greys, there was a light blue windbreaker- a kid's jacket. A little girl's jacket."

"I looked around, there were no other kids there, no teachers, it's not like this had happened in the middle of a school trip. And suddenly I'm running to the blue, and I see blond braids, and it was like my heart just stopped. She was on her stomach. I was afraid, I was afraid she was dead. I knelt down and I didn't want to turn her over, but I did. And she was still warm, still alive."

Charlotte's stoic face crumpled then, and she put her head in her hands.

"It's okay, Char. You don't have to tell me," he reached for her. She slapped his hand away.

"Yeah," she nodded, staring with steely determination at the wall, "I do. I don't know if anyone knows what happened that day. I never told."

"I brushed her face off, and she started coughing and opened her eyes."

Her lips caved and her nostrils flared with emotion, but she continued, "She looked right at me, her eyes matched her jacket," she added, "she looked at me and asked, "Are you an angel?"

Charlotte gasped, tears running freely now. "She looked just like one of the little girls back home, Cooper. Someone's baby girl. She was maybe all of six years old. Looking at her was like being home again," a sob overtook her then she looked wild-eyed at Cooper.

"How does that make sense?" She shrugged helplessly and shook her head again. "Looked just like one of the girls out for a day at the apple orchards. Looking at her, Coop, was like seeing one of thoese girls from the 50's TV shows. I looked at her in that moment, and it's like I knew everything about her. Everything. I didn't have to worry about being politically correct or sensitive, because I knew her. She was just like me, raised just like me. Don't ask how, but I knew it. I just knew it."

Wordlessly he moved closer to her, feeling as though some unseen force were pushing down on them.

"So," she sniffled, "I said, "No sweetie, my name's Charlotte King. But you can call me Charlotte."

Cooper raised his eyebrows, for Charlotte to not put her title in with her name, even as a young doctor seemed odd. Like something was wrong.

Red faced and tears still streaming she looked at Cooper. "She was a goner, Coop," she cried. "There's no way I could save her. Under her jacket, she was bleeding something awful, blood would come out of her mouth any minute. I knew it. And I knew I couldn't save her. I couldn't do anything."

"But the worst of it was, I had to leave her," her voice broke. "I had to leave her! This little girl, just leave her alone so that I could go on to save the people that could be saved- like the man I'd just walked past!"

He looked at her with an open mouth, hoping she didn't do that. But, his training told him, she'd have to.

"I knew she was going to die, Cooper," she sucked in a breath, her breathing already ragged, "but I couldn't let her know that, or that I felt scared."

She shook her head with the certainty she'd felt back then. "And there was no one around her that belonged to her, no one. No one left alive, that is. Cuz the first thing they'd be doing if they were,"

"Was calling for her," Cooper answered.

She nodded. "I asked what her name was, said it was Carrie Olson. And I said, I just knew, just knew the life this girl had had, and that she was a good girl." She sniffed again, and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

"And I knew she was dying," she repeated, "and that I had to leave her!"

He felt tears coming to his eyes, seeing how this had tortured Charlotte, was still torturing her. What a horrible decision.

"So," she breathed, "So I said, just like I'd known Carrie all my life, all her life, I smiled big as you please without a trace of fear, and said, "Carrie, honey can you be a brave girl for me? Be brave like Jesus?"

He stared at her wide eyed. You did not discuss religion with patients!

"And she smiled big, and she said, "Yes I can! I love Jesus! He's my best friend!"

Cooper felt his heart beginning to hurt, he couldn't look at Charlotte anymore.

"I said, I knew you could! Then I said,"

"_Now, you see that man over there?" Charlotte nodded her head to the side wind wiping her long hair into her face and eyes, where her next patient lay moaning and bleeding. _

"_Yes." Her voice was tiny, but unafraid. Charlotte realize she wasn't feeling any pain from her injuries, and was grateful. She knew she wouldn't be able to stand what she had to do, hearing the poor girl crying in pain the whole while._

"_He's hurt real bad. I have to go over and help him. I'm a doctor, that's my job to help people."_

_Carrie nodded wide eyed and wise with understanding. But only understanding that that man that was hurt needed help, not that she was about to be left. _

"_Now tell me, do you know any songs from church? Any that you really love?"_

_She nodded, weak from blood loss._

"_I need you to do something for me then. Can you sing your favorite song for me, while I'm over there helping him get better? Maybe it will help him get better too, and then I can tell your Mommy and Daddy what a brave girl you are and how you helped save him, just like a real doctor!"_

_Carrie's face nearly split in half with the smile she shone to Charlotte. Eagerly in answer, she nodded again, her tiny blond braids wagging._

"_Mommy says when you sing, the angels come and listen."_

_Swallowing sobs and a breaking heart, Charlotte nodded. "That's right baby," she assured her, as if she were reasurring one of her baby sitting charges back in high school during a thunderstorm. "They sure do."_

_She looked at the girl's body, blood spurting out, and starting to run down her lips. She swallowed. _

"_Now you just sing as long as you feel like it. And don't worry, if you start to feel tired," she sucked in a breath again it was getting a lot harder to breath all of a sudden, and forced a stronger smile, "you just go right ahead and go to sleep. I'll be with you the whole time, watching from right over there," she nodded to the man again. _

"_So don't you worry. You just sleep if you feel sleepy. And when you wake up, oh Carrie you are going to be so happy! All the people that love you will be ready to say hi. "_

Charlotte stopped her story and began sobbing.

"I had to tell her she'd be all right! I had to tell her she'd wake up," she choked on a sob, "when I knew she wouldn't! I knew she'd never wake up again, and I told her to go to sleep! I told her she'd wake up! I let her believe she'd be okay!"

Cooper took her in his arms, holding her tightly as she screamed in pained agony and sobbed. She cried out, hitting him with her fists, angry, angry and furious and miserable. Heart -sick and guilty.

When she calmed she moved away from him, but looked at him fiercely, furious with herself. "She was dying and there I was telling this poor kid I was going to leave her!"

"I looked at her and told her to start singing for me," she put a hand to her chest as if holding her heart in and sobbed again, before regaining composure. "Then I left."

_She'd put a make-shift tournaquent on the man's arm, and was stifinging the blood flow from his leg when she heard Carrie's voice. _

"Jesus loves me, this I know..."

_It was like something carried by a bird over a battle field. All Charlotte could hear was her own breathing, the pounding of her heart, and the song. All she could feel was the shaking of her limbs, and the movement of the body beneath her. _

_She kept her eyes fixed on nothing in front of her, or on the man she was working on. He said a few words to her, she answered them, only to realize moments later she had no idea what he'd said, or if her answer'd made any sense. _

"let His little child come in..."

_Her voice was getting softer, but Charlotte didn't dare look at her. Didn't dare until she was done with her current patient. The one that would live. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, but she didn't brush them away. _

"_Turn over on your side now," she instructed him, in a no-nonsense tone that expected to be obeyed. The man complied. It was to keep him from asperating on his own vomit, should he go deeper into shock. _

"I will henceforth live for Thee"

_Mouth open, Charlotte stopped, frozen. That was it. Carrie'd stopped singing. _

_Admittedly frantically, Charlotte called, "It's okay Carrie honey. You feel tired? You just go ahead and go to sleep now sweetie. Go on ahead and rest, you'll be home by the time you wake up!"_

_Gasping now, she finished 'quick fixing' the man, then told him to lie still until the other ambulance arrived that would take him to the hospital. _

"I ran like a bat out of hell to get back over there!" I knew I shouldn'ta left her and I was so sorry!" She gasped.

"I got over there, and grabbed her up, held her to me, to hell with being professional." Tears streamed down her cheeks, and Cooper could hardly understand the words through her sobs.

"I just held her to me, tight, rocking her...pool of blood all around. But she was dead, Coop. She was dead by the time I got to her!" She shook her head again.

"I never, never should have left her."

"then the medics came and said they needed help with someone else. They saw her, they knew she was dead. I was covered in this girl's blood." She swallowed, and took slow breaths to calm herself.

"They made me leave her again." She stopped short. "I left her. I chose to leave her again." She bit her lip, nodding in sickened certainty of her own horrible choice.

"I left her, but I decided then that by God, if I had some super doctoring power, like Warner told me, I was sure gonna exercise it when we left. I didn't leave in that ambulance. I waited for one of the later ones, the ones that came to collect the dead. I held her in my arms on that gurney the whole way. Wouldn't let them take her to the morgue," she smiled, almost laughing at that absurd judgment.

"I was there," Charlotte's voice was calm now, or close to it, still riddle with emotion and pain, "when her parents came in. I was holding her. I didn't let her go. Her braids were covered in blood, her body was stiffening. And they were crying."

"And I," she sucked in a breath, "I told them I'd been with her the whole time, but there was nothing that could be done."

"But that wasn't true. I stayed with her after. Stitched her up, so her parents couldn't see the hole in her gut."

"I didn't stay with her, Cooper! Not when she needed me! And I should have! I should have! Who leaves a child alone to die? I was so chicken! I didn't do what was right! I just didn't do it!"

His whole body ached for her. She'd been carrying this guilt around for how long? A decade at least. He shook his head and pulled her to him.

"You weren't chicken," he assured her, kissing her hard on the forehead. "You weren't chicken. You did what was right, and what a doctor would do. You did more. You cared. You knew if you stayed there with her, you wouldn't be able to keep it together, you knew she'd get scared. So you gave her a job to make her feel important and like she was helping you,"

"She was helping me," she insisted.

He smiled a faint smile and nodded.

"And you helped her. You said it was terrible to tell her to go to sleep, but it would have been worse if you'd told her to stay awake, she'd have felt herself going, and she'd have been afraid. You made absolutely the right choice, the choice a loving person would make. By giving her permission to go to sleep, and telling her all the people she loves will see her when she wakes up? That wasn't wrong. "

She looked away from him, so he grabbed her chin and lifted it till their eyes met again. She tried to turn her head away, but he wasn't about to let her. She needed to hear what he had to say.

"That was right. It kept her from being afraid, and as far as I'm concerned, none of what you told her was a lie."

Charlotte sobbed in his arms then, releasing the emotions she'd held in for so long, but Cooper knew the guilt was still there. When she quieted again he asked,

"Do you believe that she went to a better place? To heaven?"

"Absolutely. I told you, you could tell what kind of girl she was. A good, good girl. A sweet little girl."

"So you believe she went to heaven?" He repeated.

"Yes."

"And do you believe that she would find people that she loved there? Do you really believe that? There would be people there with her when she 'woke up'?"

"Of course! No one is left alone in heaven, Cooper."

He smiled.

"Then everything you told her was true. You loved this girl so much, this girl you didn't even know, that you protected her, and instead of trying to fight to keep her there with you, which would have only scared her, you let her go in the most comfortable way you knew how."

Charlotte didn't respond.

"Do you think she wanted to help you?" He asked. "Was proud to do it?"

Charlotte shrugged as if she didn't care, this being more emotion than she could stand, and she wanted it to stop. "Yeah," she answered quickly. Then she sighed. "Yes," she finished without anger.

He hugged her tighter than positioned himself so that he was looking her in the eye. "You helped her die, Charlotte," he whispered. "That is a wonderful thing. Horribly difficult, but wonderful. She didn't die alone. You were there with her-"

"I was working on the man," she sighed, "but I was thinking about her. Imagining hard that I was holding her in my arms, like if I imagined hard enough and prayed hard enough, she'd feel me holding her, know how badly I wanted to be with her instead."

He nodded and sighed, feeling worn out by Charlotte's ordeal. "She did," he whispered.


End file.
